Tracey Henry

I have focused so much on being a loser these last 100 days, I wanted to blog about all of those things that I’ve gained.  I feel that I have gained more self confidence, a better love life with my husband, invaluable time with same said husband, knowledge about fitness as it relates to food, respect for all who have done this before me, and alongside me.  I’ve gained a few new friends, a like for exercise (not love yet), belief in myself that I can do this without fads or quick fixes.  In my house, we don’t do ‘New Year’s Resolutions’, rather, goals for the year, emotional, personal sometimes learning a new trade or skill.  One of my 2008 goals was ‘to like myself more’.  Kind of vague, but vague works for me.  I was looking at myself in the mirror the other day (I’ve done a lot more of that lately) and I started crying. “There you are,” I said right out loud.  I haven’t seen myself in the mirror for a long time.  I’ve seen a tired, old grumpy, out of shape woman who has every excuse in the world for being the way that I was.  I like myself more.  I recognize the younger, more energetic me that won’t let anything stop her.  I know I still have a way to go, but I am a more patient mom, and a more loving wife than I was 100 days ago.  And I know that part of that is because I am starting to like myself again.  I had put in my essay to get into this challenge that I wanted to gain a better relationship with food, and I believe I am well on my way to achieving that as well.

I applaud all of those who have sweat and sacrificed and learned and lost.  It has not been easy, but I know it’s been worth it.

ok, I admit, I haven’t heard that phrase since I was in High School (yes, I had a bit of a lead foot then), but I can also admit that High School was the last time that the weight on my license was accurate.  I know we all have some sort of ‘goal’ in mind that might not necessarily be related to a specific weight, or size.  For me, there are two things I’ve always joked about, but secretly wanted.  One of those things is to be able to step on the ‘medical’ scale and not have to slide the big weight over to the 150 mark.  Not there yet, but the other thing I’ve joked about is that:  Someday, my weight will match what my driver’s license says.  Not that anyone cares, no one has asked to see my driver’s license for a very long time, and even then they weren’t looking at my weight.  It’s just one of those things.  When I got my Utah license, I was pregnant with my youngest, and I said, well, there’s no way I’m putting my pregnant weight down!  So the lady says, ‘just put your pre-pregnant weight’.  Ok, I thought, I will, my pre-pregnant with number 3, not number 5.  So I did, and I thought I was really funny.  After all, it was 25 pounds lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight, and 55 pounds lighter than I actually was!  That was over three years ago, and I’ve often looked at that and thought what a dumb thing it was to do.  Not because I was being deceitful or anything, just that I was being so unrealistic with myself.  Let me tell you that I am currently 1 pound away from that number on my driver’s license.  Not a huge thing, I know, but it means a lot to me.  I told my husband that when I drop well below that number, I will likely go in to have a new license made!!!  He laughed at me and said, ‘but the picture is so good!’ (and notice that I said ‘when’ I drop below, not ‘if’.)  So, I guess the lesson learned is that sometimes, even if it seems a little lofty and unrealistic and silly, we can still reach a personal goal, even if it takes 3 years.  I think my next one might be to get into that cheerleading outfit I wore in 1986.  Now talk about ridiculous!!!

Well, I’m writing again.  I feel the pressure now, with only 11 days until the final weigh in.  But in all reality, I still have another 24 pounds or so to go before I might really relax.  I can’t do that in 11 days, no matter how much I sweat.  I have loved being a part of this challenge, but I too am afraid of what might happen when it’s over.  The only thing I know for certain is that this time my weight loss has been different.  It has been slower.  I have not felt like I have been doing anything as drastic as I have in the past.  I really feel as though I can keep it off this time.  Maybe believing is half the battle for me.  I also have incorporated the new food into the whole family’s diet.  That way, I’m not serving the rest of the family food that I ‘can’t’ eat.  That has been a really important part of this whole thing. 

I recently returned from Idaho where I did another wedding cake.  More temptations, but I think I did a better job of making good choices.  My mom tried to serve me waffles and bacon for breakfast yesterday, but I had a banana and strawberries instead.  Maybe not as tasty, but I know it was a better choice.  I saw some family and friends that I had not seen for awhile.  They all commented on my weight loss, and most wanted to know “What are you doing?!”  I wish it was a magic pill, but the cold hard truth is that this is HARD WORK.  But, the results are definitely worth it.  I love trying on pants that would not have fit a year ago, only to have them fall off of me.  I’ve heard the saying that ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’.  It seems so cliche, and I’m not skinny yet, but I can start to relate with that saying, and it is true.

I’ve decided I’m going to Arkansas whether I win this challenge or not, so if I do win, I think I’ll use that travel voucher for something really fun.  Maybe even something that would require sunbathing!  Ok, that will likely never happen, but it’s good to dream!!!

So I just figured out that our final weigh in is going to be 4 weeks from today. In four weeks from today, I will be  irritable, retaining water and probably have a headache.  Yes, you guessed it.  So now, I figure, to compensate for the added water weight, I have to really step it up in the gym and at home these next few weeks!  If anyone has any suggestions for a natural water flush, I’d be happy to hear about it:)  Have a superb weekend everybody!

This really has nothing to do with weight loss, or diet, or anything like that, but maybe it does.  I was at DI earlier today.  The man in line in front of me was being such a jerk.  He was nitpicking about prices and hemming and hawing about some 50 cent candles.  Then he started in about a $5.00 VCR.  He said, “Now if I take this home, and it doesn’t work, I can’t bring it back?”  The clerk said, “No, that’s our policy, we suggest you test the electronics before you buy them.”  He went on this tirade about wasting money, and what a stupid policy that is, and how hard he works for his money, why should he just waste it?  I really just couldn’t take any more.  I said “She didn’t write the policy, sir.”  He turned like a venomous snake and spat at me, “Well then WHO DID?!, and why are you in my business?”  I calmly retorted, “Because you’re holding up the line and you’re being rude to the clerk.”  At one point he said to me, “I work hard for my money, you probably don’t even work!” (oh no he didn’t!)   His spatterings went on for a good five minutes before he finally purchased his 50 cent candles and $5.00 VCR. (I secretly hope it doesn’t work) with a hundred dollar bill.  I was so worked up and upset, but when the clerk turned to me and said ‘thank you’, I felt it was worth it.  The lady behind me was just about as upset as I was, and commented that she’s glad somebody said something.  I’m not so sure that this has anything to do with this challenge, but I was thinking that I might not have been that confident a few months ago.  I am not known for being shy, and people always know where I stand, but to really stand up and let some dimwit know that he is being a dimwit is something I am not sure I would have done before now.  I know that he will not likely think twice before being a jerk to someone, but I do feel good that I spoke up and let him know that he was being a meaner.  It probably was none of my business, but I was thinking if it were my daughter or little sister behind the counter, I would hope someone would stick up for her.  I probably wouldn’t have said anything 6 months ago, I was a lot more insecure, and he probably would have made some comment about my weight and I would have been arrested for the subsequent unleash of fury.  Anyway, I am more confident in myself, and nobody got hurt, and I feel good that I took a stand.

I wrote last time about chocolate cake.  My sweet and loving (and thin) teenager with a much higher metabolism than myself also likes chocolate cake.  She in fact purchased a piece of said dessert in a convenient single size package.  Then she ate it in front of me (bless her little heart).  I watched her, and enjoyed it vicariously through her, then, at the very end, when there was one bite left, I commanded her to give it to me.  And she, being a very smart teenager, obeyed.  It was so good.  And guess what?  My chocolate cake craving is gone.  I know, it seems impossible.  It didn’t leave me wanting more.  I didn’t immediately run down the street for a piece of my own.  It’s hard to believe, even for me, but it’s true.  One bite was sufficient.  Wow! Another breakthrough!  I can stop at just one (bite).  Or anyway, I did last week.  I’m not sure what happens the next time I’m faced with something I’ve been craving like that cake.  I guess I’ll eat that bridge , er,  um, cross that bridge when I come to it.

In the meantime, I’ve been able to downsize my wardrobe some more in spite of my slow weight loss progress, and that feels even better than chocolate cake.

I was so depressed last night and I wanted to leave the house in earnest search of a  piece of chocolate cake.  That has been one thing I have craved, and have not given in to in the last few months.  My hubby even bought a box of hostess cupcakes a few weeks ago when I was in one of my “I WANT CAKE!” modes.  I actually did not give in to temptation, and the loving people in this house devoured them all for me before I could have a weak moment:)  I also did not give in last night (not entirely anyway)  I was scouring the entire Springville area in my mind trying to picture where I could get in, get cake and get out without too much fanfare.  I sat on the couch long enough that I changed my mind.  I also had some ’smart ones’ desserts in the freezer.  So I did indulge in a chocolate chip cookie dough hot fudge ice cream sundae.  Only 3 points (weight watcher) and a little over 100 calories.  It satisfied the sweet tooth for the moment, but the chocolate cake is still on my mind.  We talked this week in nutrition class about temptations and giving in and the guilt that follows.  Sometimes we do need to ALLOW ourselves to have those guilty pleasures, but without the guilt.  If we do, but in moderation, then we won’t feel as though we’ve ‘blown it’.  So decide ahead of time that you’re going to have a small treat, and incorporate it into your caloric intake for the day.  But what about those moments that sneak up on you after your calorie counter has topped out for the day?  Not sure about that one yet.  But I think it probably is a good idea to give yourself those little allowances.  Remember you’re not perfect.  Don’t beat yourself up over the ice cream you ate last night, and remember every morning is a chance to start again.  I think ‘dieting’ is so personal.  For me, I can only do what I know I can do for the rest of my life.  Can I stop eating carbs FOREVER? No.  Can I resolve to NEVER eat another piece of candy? No. Can I make better food choices for me and my family, have smaller portions and get off my butt a little more?  Yes, I can.  And I have.  And I do.  And I will.  That’s my ‘diet’.  Be smart, eat less junk and move more.  Pretty simple, I guess, but it sure is difficult:)

I wanted to share with you all some information that was on a video that one of my fitness classes watched in college (about 12 years ago)  I think the information is still pertinent, and it was a medical doctor that created the video.  I can’t remember his name, but the video (yes-tape-remember those?) was called 15 years to get fat.  It talks about the woman’s body and how our metabolism starts to slow at about age 18. (mine packed up and left about 2 years later)  We are less active because we are not in high school anymore (hopefully) and some of the lean muscle starts to be replaced by FAT.  Think of a piece of meat.  Our muscles are marbled with some fat, but as we get older, more fat takes the place of lean muscle.  After awhile, there is no more room in the muscle for the fat.  That’s where the cottage cheese comes in. (why do they call it that?  I like cottage cheese!)  Anyway, the fat starts to build on top of the muscle and under the skin, hence the technical term:  subcutaneous fat.  Ok, so now we have the subcutaneous fat and we recognize that and we start exercising and working out and dieting and exercising some more.  Most of us give up because even though we may be losing weight, and our clothes are definitely fitting better (or not at all) we get disappointed because the cottage cheese is not disappearing.  So this doctor explains what should probably be obvious, but really wasn’t to me.  When we work out, we do start to build more lean muscle mass, which does replace the fat that has become marbled in the muscle FIRST.  Then, the subcutaneous fat will start to go away.  It goes off in the same order that we put it on.  I have to remind myself of this, and visualize that lean muscle taking over and kicking the fat’s butt.  Then, and only then can the cottage cheese start to disappear.  So I wanted to share this with you just in case you are starting to get disappointed that all of your hard work is not paying off.  It is, it just sneaks up on us, like the fat did in the first place.  The best part is:  It won’t take 15 years to take it off.  I’ve commented before that when I get down about my slow progress, I remember that it’s taken me about 7 years to put on what I’ve taken off in the last 3 and a half months.  There is hope.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel (and I don’t mean the one in the fridge:)

Well, I doubt that I will see any kind of weight loss tomorrow morning, but I’m ok with that.  I’m at peace with so many other things right now, that it doesn’t matter.  I do care, don’t get me wrong, but my weight is not at the top of my list today.  My baby is 3 today.  My family is together today.  The weather is beautiful today.  I will weigh tomorrow, and won’t think about it today.  I’m not headed for the cupcakes or anything like that, no intervention needed:)  I’m just going to be in the moment.  That’s all I have.  That’s all that matters.  So that’s the lesson I learned this week, be in the moment.  Quit wasting time on imaginary conversations with people who don’t care how I feel.  Stop creating drama where none exists.  It reminds me of a saying that I used to love when I was in high school.  ‘Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and annoys the pig.’  Ok, I’ll admit that’s not really the same thing.  But it is about the whole not wasting my time on things that don’t matter.  Some people don’t enrich our lives.  I want to surround myself and my family with those who do.  Life is too short to waste my time on things that are eternally insignificant.

I was having  a terrible week what with problems with my in-laws, and feeling like a second class citizen in nutrition class.  Then, wednesday evening, I got a phone call that everyone dreads.  My husband had been in an accident.  He is fine, thank heavens, but there was so much more to it than that.  For an entire day, I was unsure what would happen.  It was not our car, and the person could sue us.  We could lose everything.  It really put me in the moment.  I had spent a good portion of my week having imaginary orations with those who had offended me.  You know “If he says this, I’ll say this”, or I really want her to know that she hurt my feelings.  So I’m wasting all of this energy and emotion and time, and then I got that phone call.  It was like someone slapping me and saying “This right here and right now is what is important.”  The other stuff seems so trivial now.  I’ve had moments in the past that were ‘wake-up’ calls, so to speak.  Cervical cancer at age 20.  Having a son with a medical condition that is ‘not compatible with life’.  You know, those sobering moments when you think that the ’someone’ that has it worse is actually YOU.  But this was a little different.  It not only forced me to think about my husband and how very much he means to me and our family, but all of those other things.  Are we financially secure enough to handle a set back like this?  Are we emotionally secure enough to change our way of living, if necessary?  Are the children secure enough to handle a move, if we have to?  A lot of questions.  Not so many answers, as of yet, but so far things don’t look as dismal as I thought.  I think it’s good to get a little scared like that once in awhile.  I think I should look at our savings and do a little more.  The church talks so much about food storage.  I always think it has to do with a natural disaster, but now I realize the ‘un’natural disasters can hit just as hard.

I also had another realization this week, although not as profound.  I have lost no weight so far this week, in spite of my normal exercise and diet routine.  Maybe emotion and the release of that hormone (cortisol-I think) does have something to do with weight management after all.  So, I think I’ll spend the next two days laughing and being silly and having fun, and letting go of some of the drama and maybe I’ll end up with at least a half pound gone:)